Running Memoirs

Imagine that you woke up tomorrow with total retrograde amnesia, remembering nothing of who you were or where you came from.

Now imagine that you found your memoirs that you had been adding to on a regular basis (perhaps in blog form).

And imagine that you used to be successful and happy (according to the blog) and that by reading how you used to be you can actually be that again!

Now imagine it's a left over April Fool's day prank and it will actually result in losing all the money you have.

Amnesia for a prankster? Is that justice?

I forget.

Deadly Need

It's not really need, let's be honest here--it's want.

"I need you so bad" is actually "I want you so bad."

I want things just like you, but I don't need them.

Happy is Now. Want and Need are When and Then. When I get this Then I'll have that.

But just wanting things doesn't mean you deserve them.

I want things all the time, but it doesn't change that fact.

I am only ever truly content when I just notice this present moment.

The whole world fits inside it and here I was looking elsewhere.

Still, it would be nice to get a few nice things every once in a while.

The Kindly Shoot-Down

I was in the preliminary dating stages with this girl I really liked, just lunches and awesome conversation.

I was working towards dinners and then she surprised me by inviting me to one!

I was glad that good things came to those who wait and I felt that there was some deservingness in the world.

Then she emailed me that she was in love with a guy who had been a friend, but finally admitted his feelings--feelings that caused her to feel the same ones too! She wanted to tell me all about it, but didn't have my phone number.

He had told her prior to her asking me out and she had told me the night before our date.

I know one could say that she didn't know where we stood and she couldn't presume about what I felt (clearly she had no idea how people felt towards her as evidenced by the shock of her sudden love, nor how she felt either!), but she didn't have to ask me out. She didn't have to wait half a week to tell me. She didn't have to slam the door, as it were, by telling me it was the "throws" [sic] of a new romance.

She later told me that she wasn't quite so convinced about the other guy over me as she may have sounded because after our date (we still went out) she started to wonder if I might be better for her than him.

I wasn't quite so uncertain. I don't appreciate selfishness even if it came about by indecision.

She had the thrill of suitors and I had the chill of loss.

She eventually dumped that guy with extreme prejudice and tried to strike something back up with me even insecurely asking me what I felt about her, but while I told her I always liked her I still felt that she had some self-discovery left to do.

I am trying to evolve, as many of us are, but going backwards wouldn't have helped.

Squirrel Bait

There's a botanical garden at the University near where I live and I go scouting for squirrels there. Not hunting--I'm not trying to eat the, but feed them.

I carry a little film roll canister in my pocket filled with corn nuts or peanuts and dole them out to the squirrels I find.

If someone walks there dog through there than all I hear are the sounds of angry squirrels in the trees, sucking on their teeth.

Yesterday I saw a squirrel eating on a branch and so I waited until he was done and then tsk-tsk-tsk-ed him until he came down to investigate. I tossed him a corn nut and he picked it up and went back to his perch.

Another squirrel saw this and started to approach cautiously.

Some little kids also happened by with a parent and then more squirrels. By the time I was out of nuts I had given deep fried corn (what do squirrels know from fat?) to half a dozen of them little critters and most stayed right where they were to eat.

I'll have to bring more for next time. Peanuts, if I don't eat them all.

It's very soothing, keeps me in the here and now. Now I know how Dr. Doolittle feels.